We’ve reached our apex.
And no, I’m not talking about the fake NFL starter jackets. (But seriously, look at that friggin thing!!!)
I’m talking about the greatest teal uniforms of our generation - the teal generation. (Also known as the SNICK generation.)
The jerseys that have wood paneling on the bottom of the team name for no reason. The jerseys that have both the team city (illegible) and team name (kind of illegible) on the front. The shorts that had a bear that (depending on which player was wearing them - I’m looking at you Bryant Reeves) was actually larger than a real life actual bear on the side. The jerseys that had crazy Native American print EVERYWHERE. The jerseys that were so incredibly TEAL that it was nearly blinding unless you were already tealblind (like colorblind, but just tealblind).
Yeah. That’s right. The Vanfriggincouver Grizzfrigginlies.
ahahahahaha look how sad they are
I don’t even know where to start. I’m just so happy to look at that majestic piece of fabric. There’s really not even much you can say about them. Just LOOK AT THEM.
I guess we should start with this.
What the heck, man. I mean. That’s not even what a bear looks like. And what’s he doing with that basketball? Just holding it? Why’s the basketball red? Why does every basketball logo need a basketball in it? But why’s he just holding it again? That’s against the rules I think (never watched a basketball game in Canada). He looks like he’s playing defense. Are there two basketballs on the court at the same time in Canadian basketball? If he’s playing offense, I think threatening an opponent with your claw should be a charge.
Also, what the bajeezus is up with that bear’s stupid legs. Or, I guess the real question is why doesn’t it have a torso? Are we just supposed to assume that his torso is where that weird black space is? If that’s the case, can a bear even stand like that? On it’s back legs, back straight, facing forward, but front legs in the air? Is it in the process of falling? Is his face not mad, but actually scared? Is that left arm flailing in the air? Desperate? Hoping to catch something? I’m beginning to think this may have been a future metaphor for the Vancouver Grizzlies.
Because the Vancouver Grizzlies were BAAAAAD. Like, really, really, really, really, realllllllllllllly bad. Like, their crowning achievement as a team (other than the color of their jerseys) was finishing in sixth place once, rather than the usual seventh. Their best coach’s win percentage was .300. Their best player (by FAR) was Shareef Abdur-Rahim, whose most comparable current player (according to basketball-reference) is Lamar Odom.
I mean, the team existed for six years and they had five different coaches. That’s 1.2 coaches per year. They probably led the league in that.
The Grizzlies were so bad that they’re probably the worst franchise of all time. I haven’t done any research, and neither should you because c’mon, but like, the only other team I can think that would be as bad would be the Seattle Pilots, but they had a .395 winning percentage in their only season in the MLB>
So, it probably didn’t help that league kind of tried to make the Grizzlies and
Reptars Raptors fail. They wouldn’t let either team have the top pick in the draft for three years regardless of the outcome of the lottery. Because letting expansion teams run into the ground is really fun for David Stern and stuff.
So, the Grizzlies had to pick sixth and they made Bryant Reeves their franchise player. It’s worth saying that the top 5 picks in 1995 were Joe Smith, Antonio McDyess, Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace and Kevin Garnett. Imagine seeing Kevin Garnett wear those awesome teal uniforms. Ha haha hahaha I’m laughing.
So Bryant Reeves was terrible because he looked like Bryant Reeves.
He’s also seventh in Grizzlies history in points. (haha the Grizzlies are terrible)
I knew one kid in elementary school that had a Bryant Reeves jersey. He looked exactly like Bryant Reeves. Only fat white kids had Bryant Reeves jerseys.
So, back to the uniforms and stuff.
This is the alternate logo. I don’t know why the Grizzly has five claws, but there are only three claw marks in the air. Unless those are lightning bolts. The bear looks in pain. They might be lightning bolts. That poor bear. Getting struck by lightning increases your chances of getting struck by lightning again. He got struck by three lightnings at once. He’s dead. Also he has no legs, so there wasn’t much hope for him anyway. Also, I’m pretty sure that G knocked the wind out of him. Also, that doesn’t look like G. I just know that it’s supposed to look like a G.
The Grizzlies were beary (pun) bad.
These are two more logos the Grizzlies used:
They are beary (pun) bad. Especially that second one. Native American print is pretty cool. But like, no one would ever know that has anything to do with the Grizzlies NBA basketball team. It’s just a totem.
Oh, that claw one is stupid, too, but not really worth talking about (no teal).
This is the Grizzlies home jerseys (and Kobe Bryant’s minifro).
We should probably talk about Grizz, huh?
I mean, what’s the point in all of this if we don’t talk about Grizz.
Photos of Grizz are hard to come by. But he’s like, this brown mass of fur that doesn’t look anything like a Grizzly.
He also, a. wears suspenders and might be a stripper, b. is lazy as hell, c. rides a scooter and d. has claws coming out of his sneakers. Also, e. was a superhero?
I would have some serious debates in my head about whether Grizz is actually bigfoot if Squatch didn’t exist at the same time.
So, unfortunately, the Grizzlies eventually changed their uniforms to some super boring black crap.
But those pieces of crud only existed for one season before the Grizzlies moved to Memphis because Vancouver stopped caring about basketball. (It’s unclear if they ever did in the first place, actually. The NBA forced the city to sell 12,500 season tickets by January 1995. They only sold 10,000, then “Shoppers Drug Mart” had to buy the remaining 2,500 just for the team to go to Vancouver in the first place.)
For reasons that could not possibly be explained, the Grizzlies ditched teal when they moved to Memphis. They changed their color scheme to something that could only possibly happen in the early 2000s: blue, another shade of blue and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
I mean, seriously. They went from these:
To those in just two short years. God basketball is stupid sometimes.