Doug Kyed
Teal Death Do Us Part: X, Vancouver Grizzlies

We’ve reached our apex.

And no, I’m not talking about the fake NFL starter jackets. (But seriously, look at that friggin thing!!!)

I’m talking about the greatest teal uniforms of our generation - the teal generation. (Also known as the SNICK generation.)

The jerseys that have wood paneling on the bottom of the team name for no reason. The jerseys that have both the team city (illegible) and team name (kind of illegible) on the front. The shorts that had a bear that (depending on which player was wearing them - I’m looking at you Bryant Reeves) was actually larger than a real life actual bear on the side. The jerseys that had crazy Native American print EVERYWHERE. The jerseys that were so incredibly TEAL that it was nearly blinding unless you were already tealblind (like colorblind, but just tealblind).

Yeah. That’s right. The Vanfriggincouver Grizzfrigginlies.

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ahahahahaha look how sad they are

I don’t even know where to start. I’m just so happy to look at that majestic piece of fabric. There’s really not even much you can say about them. Just LOOK AT THEM. 

I guess we should start with this.

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What the heck, man. I mean. That’s not even what a bear looks like. And what’s he doing with that basketball? Just holding it? Why’s the basketball red? Why does every basketball logo need a basketball in it? But why’s he just holding it again? That’s against the rules I think (never watched a basketball game in Canada). He looks like he’s playing defense. Are there two basketballs on the court at the same time in Canadian basketball? If he’s playing offense, I think threatening an opponent with your claw should be a charge.

Also, what the bajeezus is up with that bear’s stupid legs. Or, I guess the real question is why doesn’t it have a torso? Are we just supposed to assume that his torso is where that weird black space is? If that’s the case, can a bear even stand like that? On it’s back legs, back straight, facing forward, but front legs in the air? Is it in the process of falling? Is his face not mad, but actually scared? Is that left arm flailing in the air? Desperate? Hoping to catch something? I’m beginning to think this may have been a future metaphor for the Vancouver Grizzlies.

Because the Vancouver Grizzlies were BAAAAAD. Like, really, really, really, really, realllllllllllllly bad. Like, their crowning achievement as a team (other than the color of their jerseys) was finishing in sixth place once, rather than the usual seventh. Their best coach’s win percentage was .300. Their best player (by FAR) was Shareef Abdur-Rahim, whose most comparable current player (according to basketball-reference) is Lamar Odom.

I mean, the team existed for six years and they had five different coaches. That’s 1.2 coaches per year. They probably led the league in that.

The Grizzlies were so bad that they’re probably the worst franchise of all time. I haven’t done any research, and neither should you because c’mon, but like, the only other team I can think that would be as bad would be the Seattle Pilots, but they had a .395 winning percentage in their only season in the MLB>

So, it probably didn’t help that league kind of tried to make the Grizzlies and Reptars Raptors fail. They wouldn’t let either team have the top pick in the draft for three years regardless of the outcome of the lottery. Because letting expansion teams run into the ground is really fun for David Stern and stuff.

So, the Grizzlies had to pick sixth and they made Bryant Reeves their franchise player. It’s worth saying that the top 5 picks in 1995 were Joe Smith, Antonio McDyess, Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace and Kevin Garnett. Imagine seeing Kevin Garnett wear those awesome teal uniforms. Ha haha hahaha I’m laughing.

So Bryant Reeves was terrible because he looked like Bryant Reeves.

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He’s also seventh in Grizzlies history in points. (haha the Grizzlies are terrible)

I knew one kid in elementary school that had a Bryant Reeves jersey. He looked exactly like Bryant Reeves. Only fat white kids had Bryant Reeves jerseys.

So, back to the uniforms and stuff.

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This is the alternate logo. I don’t know why the Grizzly has five claws, but there are only three claw marks in the air. Unless those are lightning bolts. The bear looks in pain. They might be lightning bolts. That poor bear. Getting struck by lightning increases your chances of getting struck by lightning again. He got struck by three lightnings at once. He’s dead. Also he has no legs, so there wasn’t much hope for him anyway. Also, I’m pretty sure that G knocked the wind out of him. Also, that doesn’t look like G. I just know that it’s supposed to look like a G.

The Grizzlies were beary (pun) bad.

These are two more logos the Grizzlies used:

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They are beary (pun) bad. Especially that second one. Native American print is pretty cool. But like, no one would ever know that has anything to do with the Grizzlies NBA basketball team. It’s just a totem.

Oh, that claw one is stupid, too, but not really worth talking about (no teal).

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This is the Grizzlies home jerseys (and Kobe Bryant’s minifro).

We should probably talk about Grizz, huh?

I mean, what’s the point in all of this if we don’t talk about Grizz.

Photos of Grizz are hard to come by. But he’s like, this brown mass of fur that doesn’t look anything like a Grizzly.

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He also, a. wears suspenders and might be a stripper, b. is lazy as hell, c. rides a scooter and d. has claws coming out of his sneakers. Also, e. was a superhero?

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I would have some serious debates in my head about whether Grizz is actually bigfoot if Squatch didn’t exist at the same time.

So, unfortunately, the Grizzlies eventually changed their uniforms to some super boring black crap.

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But those pieces of crud only existed for one season before the Grizzlies moved to Memphis because Vancouver stopped caring about basketball. (It’s unclear if they ever did in the first place, actually. The NBA forced the city to sell 12,500 season tickets by January 1995. They only sold 10,000, then “Shoppers Drug Mart” had to buy the remaining 2,500 just for the team to go to Vancouver in the first place.)

For reasons that could not possibly be explained, the Grizzlies ditched teal when they moved to Memphis. They changed their color scheme to something that could only possibly happen in the early 2000s: blue, another shade of blue and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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I mean, seriously. They went from these:

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To those in just two short years. God basketball is stupid sometimes.

All photos via Vancouver Grizzlies Facebook.

Would Kevin McCallister Have Put His Macaroni and Cheese on a Plate in Home Alone?

Despite the fact that movies like Goodfellas, The Godfather, Gone With the Wind and other IMDB Top 250 movies that start with a G have been made in the past (how long have movies been made? 500 years? One million years? 25 years? I’ll just guess 100 years. That seems like a good round number) 100 years, I have seen Home Alone more than any other movie in the history of movies.

It would be fair to say that Home Alone is my favorite movie. Because Home Alone is my favorite movie. It’s the intricacies behind the film that make it so great. Like, would Harry and Marv have actually murdered Kevin McCallister if push came to shove? And why were the South Bend police so inept?

But perhaps the greatest dilemma in the John Hughes (and John Williams) classic is: Why did Kevin McCallister transfer his microwavable macaroni and cheese from container to plate? I’m a full-grown adult, and I have never transferred a microwavable meal to a plate. Perhaps it was this rookie mistake made by the 8-year-old McCallister that forced him to miss his dinner and therefore cause him to retaliate against his attackers with such force.

We first see the Kraft macaroni and cheese when Kevin goes shopping all by his lonesome.

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McCallister asks the shopping clerk, “Are those microwave dinners good?” The grocery worker responds, “I don’t know.” McCallister then responds with a precocious smirk, “I’ll give them a whirl.” As if the line had just been fed to him seconds before by Mr. John Hughes (or director Christopher Columbus) himself.

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We then see McCallister walking home with his groceries before ::snap:: both bags break at the exact same moment. This is the only time this has ever happened in movie history. We see the macaroni and cheese lying on the ground, having just passed through the faulty plastic bag. The question is: how does McCallister get his microwaveable dinner, and his assortment of other groceries, home? Does he tie off the other side of the bag? Does he only take the important stuff? Does he leave some stuff in the snow and come back for them? Does he just try to bundle everything in his tiny 8-year-old arms and keep fumbling and dropping things as he goes along? Does some kind soul come along and help the poor boy get his groceries home? We may never know.

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Next, we see McCallister take the macaroni and cheese out of the microwave. He has left himself just three minutes to consume his dinner before a long night of attacking criminals. I commend him for the effort of using pot holders, though it’s never a move I’ve made myself. I guess I’m just more of a risk-taker than McCallister. Notice, McCallister did not wait the allotted time you’re supposed to leave the meal in the microwave to complete the cooking process. He just opens up the door all willy nilly and takes it out. Good move, Kevbo. I don’t wait either. And when you have just three minutes before burglars are coming, you don’t have that kind of time to waste.

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Now, here’s the problem. McCallister transfers his meal from the microwavable container to a plate. What is he doing? Such a rookie mistake. No one has ever in the history of microwavable meals made this error. And to do it with just three minutes on the clock? I appreciate the prayer he gives. “Bless this nutritious, microwaveable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale.” It’s important to thank God for macaroni and cheese. There would be no macaroni and cheese without God.

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Now this is just straight up bonkers. What the heck does McCallister think he’s doing with that knife? What’s his malfunction? Who would possibly need to cut macaroni and cheese into smaller pieces? The appeal of macaroni and cheese is that it’s bite size for literally anyone who can bite.

Now, beware, this next part may disturb you.

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The mac and cheese goes uneaten. It will sit there, lonely, all night while paint cans are dropped on heads, Micro Machines are scattered across the floor and human skin is burnt. As McCallister walked away from that table (after blowing out the candles of course) he may have thought to himself, “I could die tonight. My last meal … was no meal at all. You know, because I didn’t get to eat.”

There’s another issue I have here, and I would love to have a word with Mr. Columbus about it. That doesn’t look like microwavable macaroni and cheese. We may have resolved the crux of our issue here. Microwavable mac and cheese has a wider noodle, and more sauce. That mac and cheese looks shockingly like boxed, stove top mac and cheese. Did the filmmakers behind Home Alone pull the classic ol’ switcheroo? Was the microwavable stuff not appealing enough to the eye? Did they seriously pretend to make the microwavable stuff, and then transfer stove top mac and cheese to a plate instead, thinking that no one would ever notice?

Possibly, but unless Mr. Columbus has the guts to admit to his lie, we’ll never know. What we’re left with is a reality that Kevin McCallister choked under pressure. He didn’t use the proper eating receptacle (wasting three important minutes) and he was about to cut his mac and cheese with a knife.

Now, don’t worry. This doesn’t ruin Home Alone for me. But it does make me question just how much of a hero McCallister really is.

 

Teal Death Do Us Part: IX

In 1995, the New York Islanders ownership was all, “no one likes us, we gotta do something to change this.” But they said it in a Long Island accent.

So instead of doing anything that made any sense whatsoever, they changed their logo from this:

to this:

90s ideas are ALWAYS the best ideas.

Now, we’ve all seen the comparisons to the Gorton’s fisherman before, right? And it’s pretty dang accurate.

Except of course… the New York Islanders… mascot(?) had a TEAL rain slicker on. A TEAL rain slicker. That’s so 90s that no one even considered doing it in the 90s.

The Islanders were obviously sick of portraying themselves as a bunch of no good islands and instead thought, “Hey, Islander can also be like, a fisherman” (no it can’t).

Making a bunch of fish stick jokes here could probably be pretty easy. Like, “Hockey sticks… more like FISH sticks.” But instead, I think the Islanders teal logo reminds me of… something else.

It’s more like the Islanders ownership was thinking… “You ever hear of the South Bend Shovel Slayer?”

"That’s him. Back in ‘58 he murdered his whole family and half the people on the block with the snow shovel. Been hiding out in this neighborhood ever since."

They never found the bodies, but everyone around here knows he did it. And it will just be a matter of time before he does it again. He walks up and down the street every night salting the sidewalks. See that garbage can filled with salt. that’s where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies into mummies.”

::mummies::

That’s right, I think the Islanders modeled their new logo after Roberts Blossom’s character in Home Alone, Old Man Marley.

It wouldn’t be the first time we saw a sports franchise design their logo after a popular film.

I mean, seriously.

Throw a bucket hat on that man and it’s nearly identical.

Or, throw a snow shovel on that Islanders logo.

The new Islanders uniforms were among the worst received jersey overhauls in sports history, and it’s pretty easy to see why:

Because they made no fucking sense whatsoever. The new jerseys were unveiled for the 1995-1996 season, and Islanders fans were immediately like, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT. Unfortunately for team management, NHL rules forbid them from doing anything about it. So the dumb Islanders had to keep trotting out there wearing these abominations for TWO WHOLE SEASONS. In 1996-1997, they introduced alternate jerseys with the old logo and pretty much wore them as often as the league would allow them.

This is basically like that episode of Freaks and Geeks when Sam buys that stupid polyester jumpsuit, except it’s like if the NHL MADE HIM WEAR IT EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR.

I’m now picturing all of the New York Islanders sheepishly playing hockey in these dumb uniforms thinking to themselves “I can’t believe dad is making us wear these.”

Oh wait, I don’t have to just picture it, here’s photographic proof of said sheepish looks:

I was going to make a joke that if the Islanders ever had a macot during this era, they probably could have just scraped up some random homeless guy that lived in the parking lot of the Nassau Coliseum and slapped a jersey on him… but then I discovered that they ACTUALLY HAD A MASCOT DURING THIS PERIOD OF TIME.

His name was “Nyiles.” Which I have absolutely no idea how to pronounce. It looks like his hat was like, the goal light? And he kind of resembles The Burger King and that guy that hangs out with Rudolph and the Dentist Elf in the claymation Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer movie?

The Islanders new mascot is Sparky The Dragon, who’s pretty much just your run of the mill Long Island Dragon:

Nothin’ to see here folks. Just a dragon on ice skates. What’s that? You’re questioning what a dragon has to do with Islanders? Are you kidding me? That’s a real question. C’mon, we all know Long Island for two things, 1. That MTV True Life episode, and 2. Dragons. This is something everyone knows. Wait, it isn’t? What? Dragons aren’t real? THEY’RE REAL IN LONG ISLAND GOD DAMNIT. AND THEY WEAR ICE SKATES.

"THIS PILL BOTTLE USED TO BE FULL BUT NOW IT’S ALL IN MY DRAGON BELLY I’M GETTING FUUUUUUUUUUUCKED UP!!!"

(But for real, the Islanders just jacked the old New York Dragons Arena Football League mascot.)

The Islanders rocked the old logo, but with random teal one more season before ditching the teal altogether and just keeping the navy blue and orange.

Usually, I fully support the inclusion of teal in uniforms, as I’ve explained before it’s truly a lost art. BUT, this was absolutely the most half-assed teal inclusion we’ve seen so far. Every other teal uniform we’ve touched upon has either been a brand new team or a complete uniform redesign. I suppose the Islanders were still trying to include their “roots” by making their new colors teal, navy blue and orange, but anyone who thought those three colors would go well together is out of their goddamn minds.

The 90s were a rough time for hockey jerseys in general. We’ve seen this before:

But I’ve never displayed this absurd piece of art(?) before:

Unfortunately, that was never greenlit. The biggest question though, is how the hell was there no teal in that jersey?

After the teal was ditched, the Islanders used their new navy blue and orange uniforms with the old logo until 2010, when they went back to the classic royal blue and orange.

Since the Islanders are currently housed by perhaps the shittiest arena in all of pro sports

there’s constantly talk of them moving from Long Island, and according to Wikipedia, Brooklyn, Queens, Suffolk, Kansas City or Quebec City are all possible relocation sites.

We can only hope that they go back to the South Bend Shovel Slayer uniforms when they do move. And if they do, I’ll become their number one fan.

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The Beach Boys

When I was seven seven years old, I guess you could say I “discovered music.”
 
I’m not sure how many people can remember the exact moment that they first remember “liking music,” but conveniently, I do.
 
In 1994, when I was in the 2nd grade, there was an end of the year assembly at Seaview Elementary School where the 6th graders “graduated.” When they walked down the middle aisle in the gymanasium, “Surfin USA” played.
 
Ironically, that same night, my dad popped a cassette tape he had received from a college friend into the family mini van and that same song played.
 
My seven year old brain nearly exploded, and I believe my first question was some form of “…wait what?”
 
I thought that he had somehow known that that song had played in my school. And that he had somehow known that I liked that song. And, and… I guess that’s just how a seven year old’s brain works.
 
From that point on though, The Beach Boys were all that I would listen to. All summer, my best friend was moving from one part of our town, Edmonds, WA, to another, and because of that, he was staying at my house often and I was staying at one or another of his grandparent’s houses often.

Throughout that summer though, that tape was always with us.

For hours that summer, we and another one of our friends played the Super Nintendo game Turtles In Time pretty much nonstop and guess what would play over and over and over again? That Beach Boys tape.

That tape still exists in my bedroom at my parents house and I can very much say that it is the reason why I love music so much, it is the reason why I started playing guitar, it is the reason why I’ve been in more bands than I can count, it is the reason me and my father have shared so many great memories at different concerts we’ve attended, it is the reason I ever started liking the Ramones, therefore it is the reason why I ever got into punk music, it is the reason why I was able to tour across the country.

For an inanimate object, it somehow shaped me more than most people I’ve ever known.

Obviously I would have gotten into music one way or another throughout my life, but maybe not that into it.

So after that summer, my family and my best friend’s family had tickets to SEE The Beach Boys at the Puyallup Fair.

I should note that for the most part, my childhood memory sucks, but this whole summer of my life still comes in pretty distinctly.

For instance, my family lived on a cul-de-sac off of a main road that went through Edmonds. Our house was fairly secluded. But that summer for some reason, an ice cream truck visited that street more than any other time we lived there. So it was a summer filled with Turtles In Time, ice cream sandwiches, a baseball strike, and the Beach Boys.

So the night before The Beach Boys concert, which according to the ticket that my family still possesses was September 17, 1994, I distinctly remember staying at my best friend’s grandmother’s lake house. I remember falling asleep listening to that tape, and specifically, when I hear “Help Me Rhonda,” it can still bring me back to being excited waiting to see the Beach Boys.

I entered the concert only really knowing the Beach Boys songs. My parents and my friend’s parents knew that one member of the band was dead, they knew that one had gone crazy, but that was about it.

I specifically remember seeing Carl, I remember seeing Alan and Alan’s son Matt. I remember my friend’s little brother sitting on his father’s shoulders singing “Help Me Rhonda,” I think I remember cheerleaders coming out during their set.

Before the show at some point, my father had showed me a copy of his Beach Boys “Holland” album and I had determined that my favorite member of the band was Dennis. I honestly think it was because he was the only member without a beard.

So after the show, we went to the library and I got multiple books on the Beach Boys. And that’s when I found out that Dennis was the one who was dead.

For a now eight year old finding out that his favorite Beach Boy (for only a matter of weeks) had been dead for eleven years, I was obviously devastated. I remember crying about it. And for some reason the song “Wendy” reminds me of that. When I would hear that song, even as an eight year old who didn’t understand the lyrics, I just knew there was something sad about it. And that sadness always kind of reminded me of my favorite Beach Boys member’s death.

I also found out that Brian Wilson had been the mastermind behind The Beach Boys and that he was not performing at that show.

Around that same time, I distinctly remember my father breaking out his old eight track player and listening to his copy of “All Summer Long.” That song still reminds me of my old house in Washington.

I could come up with a certain time and place where I was when I’ve listened to all of these songs, but I won’t bore anyone.

So after that, my family basically wanted to know as much about The Beach Boys as possible. We bought books, we bought VHS tapes, we bought albums and box sets and we researched.

That’s why I know almost everything that you could possibly know about The Beach Boys. Like that Brian and Alan played football together in high school. And that “Warmth of the Sun” was written the night of JFK’s death. And that Dennis was the only one who surfed. And that Brian is afraid of the water. And that Carl was a draft dodger. And that Alan inspired the Beach Boys to cover both “Sloop John B” and “Cottonfields.” And that Dennis Wilson starred in a movie with James Taylor. And that Bruce became a full time member after Brian quit touring after having a nervous breakdown on an airplane. And that David was only thirteen years old when he joined the band, and fifteen when he quit.

Any long research paper I’ve ever had to do for school had been concentrated on The Beach Boys, from elementary school to college.

My Beach Boys obsession has really lasted my entire life. I’ll go weeks without listening to them, and then I’ll go on a kick where that’s ALL I listen to. I’ve discovered so many great hidden songs in their catalog that no one but their biggest fans would know about.

I’ve now seen Mike Love’s incarnation of The Beach Boys twice, and I’ve got to see Brian Wilson perform four times. But I’ve never seen all of them together.

So that’s why I’m writing this. Back in December, it was announced that The Beach Boys, my favorite band of all time, were reuniting. I’ve waited almost my entire life for this. For years I’ve wondered if I’d ever get to see Brian share the stage with Mike again.

At the Grammy’s, I got to see it. It was such an odd feeling. Sure, they’re not all in the greatest shape and it would have been better had this been done fifteen years ago rather than now. But it’s a rare case of late being much better than never.

On Saturday, my friend texted me and told me that the first show to go on sale at Mohegan Sun in Connecticut had sold out. How had I not known that it had even gone on sale? Had I slipped in my 18 years of fandom?

So Saturday night, for some reason I was fooling around on my phone while out to dinner, and I discovered that there were somehow, two tickets available for that show on Ticketmaster. I snatched them up, and now I can say with certainty that in eighty days, me and my father will be able to see Brian Wilson, Mike Love, Alan Jardine, Bruce Johnston and David Marks share the stage together as The Beach Boys. It was like fate being able to get those last two tickets next to one another.

It’s a shame that Dennis and Carl won’t be there, but I think I’ve mastered all of Carl’s parts in the last eighteen years anyway.


TEAL Death Do Us Part: VIII

There are a lot of things to be taken away from cartoons, but generally there are three simple facts: dogs and cats hate each other, cats constantly want to eat birds, and cats and mice hate each other. Coyotes and roadrunners also hate each other, but that really seems to be more of a one-off, extremely specific type of hatred in a world where explosives and anvils are common instruments of destruction.

Why am I talking about all of this? Well, in 1995, something very important happened, cats had finally caught up in the battle vs. birds.

That’s right, there were the Eagles, Falcons, Cardinals and Seahawks, and now there were the Lions, Bengals, Panthers and Jaguars.

Sure, it was just one fleeting year for the cats, as the Ravens were the next team to come into the league in 1996 (replacing the Browns), but as Neil Armstrong once said, one small step for man, one giant leap onto the top of the couch for cats.

Either it was all of that, or the world had got very unoriginal and the NFL just figured, if we’re going to add one turquoise-ish cat team in the southern part of the United States, we might as well add another even more turquoise-ish cat team in the southern part of the United States.

From what I can gather after reading like, 34 seconds of Wikipedia entries on panthers and jaguars, black panthers might be black jaguars, but spotted jaguars can’t be panthers. These animals are unbelievably close to one another. WHY WOULD TWO FRANCHISES CREATED IN THE SAME YEAR BE NAMED AFTER THESE TWO BIG CATS?!

Google is telling me that this is a panther.

Google is telling me that this is a jaguar.

I’m not some big cat expert, but those look strikingly similar to me.

To make matters even more confusing:

This is a jaguar.

This is a leopard.

This is a cheetah.

If i were a zoologist, I’d just be like those three things are called spotted huge scary cats. And those two above it, those are black huge cats.

I’m not even gonna get into mountain lions, cougars, bobcats and pumas. Because I’m pretty sure that all of those things are exactly the same.

Apparently jaguars used to roam the United States freely until hunters kept killing them. And, there are still a few jaguars out there in Arizona. That’s downright terrifying and another really good reason to never ever go back to Arizona.

So now on to what’s really important here: teal.

The Jaguars are teal, and as hard as I’ve fought the world about this issue, the Panthers are decidedly not. The Panthers are officially listed as “Carolina blue” but I’d be willing to put my reputation on the fact that they are indeed aqua.

The NFL got a teal (or turquoise) team for the first time since the Miami Dolphins entered the league.

The Jags first logo was a rare instance of a jersey/logo being both hideous and a not so-borderline copyright infringement.

Just for future notice to NFL teams, combining silver, gold, teal and black only results in your team looking like either an Arena League team or even worse, a USFL team. And jerseys should be as symmetrical as possible. So having a stripe cross through your neck and magically transform into a Jaguar probably isn’t the best look.

Also, when designing a helmet logo, I would try to refrain from making it exactly the same as a famous car’s hood ornament. Because you know, they’ll probably care about things like that.

So the Jaguars wisely scrapped their first jersey ideas and came up with a far better design sticking with teal, black and gold and making their jaguar logo “prowling” rather than leaping.

I never thought the 1995-2008 Jaguars jerseys were anything special, but they were good enough. If I could find a complaint, well, I have two.

First, the “prowling” jaguar logo actually looks like it was just hit by a tranquilizer dart and that it’s about to collapse, but before collapsing it just wants to like, claw someone’s leg.

The second one? Jaguars don’t have teal tongues.

Actually, I’m fairly certain that nothing has a teal tongue.

Now, I don’t want to be too crazily nitpicky about this whole Panthers-Jaguars connection… but, the Jaguars helmet was the head of a jaguar and the Panthers helmet was the head of a panther. The Jaguars primary colors are teal, gold and black and the Panthers primary colors are aqua?, silver and black.

I feel as though it would be very easy for a casual football fan to get these two teams very very confused. It probably didn’t help that both teams were almost immediately successful, which could be explained in a much different probably much more detailed blog post.

I actually thought the Panthers uniforms were much better than the Jaguars, but that might just be because I like silver more than gold pertaining to uniforms.

In 2009, Reebok and the Jaguars took their already kind of boring uniforms and thought, hmm, could we make these more bland? And a resounding YES! was answered from above.

The important thing was though, that they kept the teal.

The Jaguars also streamlined (more like boring-lined) their font and everything was made a little less 90s.

Now is as good a time as any to mention the Jaguars mascot, Jaxson de Ville.

His webpage says that he’s consumed 56 pizzas in one game. It also says he weighs 403 pounds. So he’s like, pretty obese.

He like to plank.

Like, a lot.

That’s just gross. His webpage also says that he’s the first mascot to ever go overseas to visit the troops. I find that hard to believe.

I’ll bet this picture is Jaxson’s desktop background. And I’ll bet it’s tiled.

Some other facts, his position is listed as both “left out!” and “12th man coordinator” in his bio. So I guess he’s pretty versatile. Sounds like a future Patriot to me! Oh and his favorite movie is the Aristocats. I get it.

I have no idea why his name isn’t spelled Jackson de Ville. Why’d they go with “Jaxson?”

Melvin Ingram vs. Zebrie Sanders

TEAL Death Do Us Part: VII

On October 2, 1992, Disney released The Mighty Ducks in theaters.

In 1993, The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim were born. And owned by Disney.

Hmm, looks familiar…

(woo ooh)

Like most children in the world, after seeing The Mighty Ducks, I immediately kind of got into hockey, wanted a hockey stick and wanted to get on the ice (I saw it on VHS, not theaters, and I DISTINCTLY remember my first viewing, unlike most movies when I was seven years old).

I wanted to be Charlie Conway, I didn’t know what the hell a triple deke was, but I wanted to do one anyway.

In the UK, the movie was apparently titled, The Mighty Ducks are the Champions for video/DVD release.

Shouldn’t the title be Spoiler Alert: The Mighty Ducks are the Champions?

D2: The Mighty Ducks came next and out of all the 90s kids sports movies (Rookie of the Year, Little Big League, The Sandlot, The Big Green, Little Giants, Angels in the Outfield, etc. etc.) it’s probably the best (The Sandlot is pretty damn close). While the original movie was great, the addition of patriotism, the bash brothers, Julie “The Cat” Gaffney, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez, the knuckle puck and most importantly teal took it to another level.

I guess The Mighty Ducks (really) are the Champions.

Without D2 would any of know that Iceland is covered in grass and Greenland is covered in ice?

Did you know that the moral compass who owns the sporting goods store in D2 isn’t the same guy as the one from The Mighty Ducks? In the original his name is Hans and he’s played by Joss Ackland, in D2 his name is Jan, he’s played by Jan Rubes and he’s Hans’ brother. They like, kind of almost explain this in one line, but it’s pretty obvious you’re just supposed to think that it’s the same person. In D3, it goes back to being Hans… and he dies. Spoiler alert.

After The Mighty Ducks my favorite character was unquestionably Charlie, but after Charlie gave up his spot on the team to Kenan at the end of D2, I really questioned my allegiance and Dean Portman became my new dude. Watching the movies now, I have a real appreciation for Guy. Sure, he doesn’t talk much and seems to like his girlfriend Connie more than any of the rest of the team, but he’s unquestionably the best player on team.

No. Adam Banks is not the best. Staying healthy is a skill. It’s a skill that Adam Banks does not possess. For anyone that watched Friday Night Lights, there’s pretty much no way Luke Cafferty was not directly influenced by Adam Banks, right? I wish that for no reason whatsoever Coach Taylor had Luke grab a hockey stick and rotate it exclusively with his wrist.

The great thing about D2, is that basically any character can be your favorite. Except for the Chinese ice skater. If the Chinese ice skater is your favorite character, there’s something wrong with you. Even if he’s an honorary bash brother.

Another thing D2 did was introduce Queen to children across America (or at least me and my friends). In 5th grade, my friends and I performed “We Will Rock You” at our elementary school talent show. We were called “The Goofballs.”

I saw D3 in theaters, but that movie kind of sucks, so don’t worry, I won’t discuss it at length.

So back to The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. They debuted in 1993 with teal and purple uniforms with a logo in the middle that looked like Donald Duck. I owned a Mighty Ducks jersey, and I’m pretty sure every other kid in the world did. It was a genius maneuver by Disney. The Ducks played (and still play) at Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim. I always loved that name. It’s now called “The Honda Center.” Fuck that. It should at least be called “The Honda Pond.”

The Mighty Ducks mascot’s name is “Wildwing.” I’m not even going to look up whether Wildwing came first or Buffalo Wild Wings.

Wildwing loves America.

Yikes.

-The Islanders have a weird mascot, huh?

-Someone’s into furries…

-I have no idea who looks the dumbest here. Probably the Canucks mascot.

In 1995, these were introduced (briefly):

How INSANE is that? There is proof that players wore these:

I’m pretty sure nothing has ever been awesome, ironically awesome and disgustingly terrible all at the same time. Those did it.

There are obviously many questions about it, but why was the duck under the ice (in order to break through it) in the first place? Do ducks that play hockey live under water? Can they survive in sub freezing temperatures? Did someone trap him under there? If you were trapped under ice, would you have the power to break through it and fly in the air like that?

Upon further inspection, I’m pretty sure he’s not wearing pants. So he’s literally Donald Ducking it.

I’m sure many of my hockey-playing-duck questions could be answered by watching the Mighty Ducks cartoon that aired during “The Disney Afternoon” on ABC starting in 1996.

Here’s an excerpt from the plot outline on Wikipedia:

In this series, in another universe exists a planet populated entirely by humanoid ducks. Dubbed “Puckworld” by its inhabitants, it is a very cold, icy planet, perfectly suited to the Ducks’ favorite pastime, ice hockey. For the citizens of Puckworld, hockey was not simply a sport, but a way of life, occupying virtually every aspect of day-to-day existence, from fashion to philosophy.

You know, they call this “another universe” on a “planet populated entirely by humanoid ducks,” but it kind of sounds like Canada to me… The rest makes absolutely no sense:

A very popular legend has it that centuries ago, during an invasion by a reptilian race called Saurians, a duck by the name of Drake DuCaine became the planet’s savior over the Saurians’ Overlords. The legend tells that DuCaine did so with a seemingly normal goalie mask that transforms into a high-tech mask. With it, DuCaine sent the Saurians to a mysterious dimension, known only as “Dimensional Limbo”.

As it turns out, the legends ended up being true. The last of the Saurians escape Dimensional Limbo and return to Puckworld with an armada of robotic attack ships. The group of four is led by the last of the Saurian Overlords, Lord Dragaunus, who is assisted by the burly Siege, the shape-shifting Chameleon and the mystic Wraith…

Uh. What? So basically a bunch of hockey playing Ducks have to fight a bunch of lizards on another planet? I did not watch this show. It’s possible I tried to and it made absolutely no sense whatsoever, which it didn’t. Couldn’t they have just made it like the movies, but with some animated ducks? Would that have been too much to ask?

This is “Wildwing Flashblade.”

This is “Nosedive Flashblade.”

I… I don’t even know. Nosedive has some great hockey hair though.

The theme song is a weird 80’s metal inspired song that sounds like stripper music:

After the “Wildwing” jersey flopped, the Mighty Ducks had to come up with something else, so they came up with a plain teal jersey as an alternate.

I love teal, but that’s pretty boring. Not nearly as classic as the home and away jerseys.

Of course, as we’ve learned on this blog, all good things must come to an end. In 2005, Disney sold the Mighty Ducks and a year later, they dropped the “Mighty” and changed their uniforms.

Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaame. Seriously lame. No fun lame.

In 2010, they brought this logo back as a shoulder patch:

It’s just not the same when it’s not surrounded by teal and purple.

I heard a rumor that they lost control of the logo and name once Disney sold the team, but obviously that’s not true.

Hopefully one day we’ll see a Ducks jersey inspired by the original Mighty Ducks jerseys and if there is a god (and if he has a sense of humor) one day we’ll see the Wildwing jerseys again.

TEAL Death Do Us Part: VI

We’re back in 1993 and we’re back in the MLB!

That’s right, the Seattle Mariners! Now, this entry might be a little close to home for me since the Mariners were my hometown team until I moved in 1997. I grew up on that team and I basically grew up on those uniforms. I remember for my 7th birthday in 1993 the hottest baseball cards on the market were 1993 Leaf Baseball series 2 since they were the first to feature the new Mariners uniforms.

Of course, most of them featured the Mariners in their batting practice jerseys in what seems to be a single spring training photo shoot, but whatever (“Stop being so bitter old man, these were fucking fantastic.” - 7 year old me).

The Mariners went from a history of royal blue and yellow (very underrated color combo) to navy and teal (also great).

I never totally understood the pitchfork logo other than to say, well, if it’s turned upside down, it forms an M! Other things that turned upside down form an M: a W, some regular forks, a \ and an N right next to each other (\N), other gardening equipment.

The baseball logo was basically telling Seattle-ites who weren’t going to the games (most of them), “Hey! The Mariners are a baseball team! If the word Mariner is too long or confusing for you, you can just call them the M’s!”

So in 1993, the Mariners overhauled their look and went with the navy and teal compass logo. If you don’t know what a “mariner” is, here’s Merriam Webster to the rescue:

a person who navigates or assists in navigating a ship.

So basically a compass makes sense. Notice, they still included the baseball.


The 90s provided us many things (most importantly teal), but taketh away they also… took? They mostly took away royal blue. In the 90s, everyone decided royal blue was super lame. I have no idea why, but everyone collectively decided to never use royal blue again.  Royal blue is not super lame.

Still, the Mariners changed their uniforms.

In the late 80s, if you were a pitcher without a mustache, you had to wear a windbreaker under your jersey. Whacky baseball rules.

One reason for the Mariners’ poor performance in 1992 was bulimic 6’10” pitchers. Fine, it wasn’t, it was mostly due to Bill Plummer. Also look at Harold Reynolds all bein’ like, “Don’t you daaaare throw up on me you tall scary man.”

Here’s my nerd comment for the day: other than the inclusion of teal, the best part of the uniform overhaul was the inclusion of “Seattle” on the road jerseys rather than “Mariners.” Road jerseys should always have the city name, home jerseys should always have the team name. Sorry.

The home of course for the Mariners was the world famous Kingdome.

It’s odd that baseball moved away from giant indoor concrete buildings with astroturf that forever ruined baseball players knees. Whatever, I loved the Kingdome growing up. Even the fact that dirt only surrounded the bases and didn’t actually create a diamond. Even when tiles started falling from the ceiling! At least it was better than Sick’s Stadium (home of the Seattle Pilots in 1969):

Some highlights: a 17,150 seat capacity on opening day, obstructed views for pretty much everyone, including visiting team’s announcers, poor water pressure (teams couldn’t take showers after games), 25,000 seat capacity at it’s peak. It’s really no wonder the Pilots only lasted one season in Seattle.

So the new jerseys were a success and the team immediately stopped being the worst team in the American League. But they needed to get further over the hump, how were they going to do that? MORE TEAL!!!

Here’s the 1994 changes:

Teal hats!!!

Teal jerseys!!!

Teal moose!!!

And yes, for anyone that’s not a fan of the Seattle Mariners, their mascot is a moose. Nothing screams navigating the sea like a Moose. Nothing. No really, it makes total sense. The Seattle Sonics old mascot was also Bigfoot:

Look at that dumb Seahawks mascot makin’ all that sense. The Mariner Moose and Squatch (yeah his name is Squatch. Shut up, YOUR NAME IS DUMB. I don’t see you being an NBA mascot! Okay fine, he isn’t either, but he USED TO BE! Sure, he’s probably gone back to living in the woods and being all blurry but the Sonics could come back. YOU’LL NEVER BE A MASCOT!) are totally thinking, “who’s this joker who just literally symbolizes the team he represents, what a loser.”

Sadly, the teal wasn’t featured so heavily forever. The teal hats and jerseys were gone after 1997 and the navy hats with the teal bills disappeared after 2002.

After the dark (blue! lol!) ages were done. The teal started creeping back in 2010. First with batting practice caps.

Then with a turn back the clock night.

And then a full time return of the teal alternates!

The 90s are back! and ALLLLLL THAT!

I never know how to end these things, but I’ll make this promise. My next entry will be back sooner than this one.

Endnote: in 1994 the Milwaukee Brewers totally copycat’d the Mariners new jerseys.

But I considered that more green than teal. So there’s that.

best show.